The devil wears beige: Part II - The kickoff

The interview was on a Friday and the following Monday I already received the news that I got the job. Barely having recovered from that experience, Wednesday was my first working day. 

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I did a little bit of research on LinkedIn. The girls (and only girls) that work for him seemed lovely. I was so excited to meet them. All of them, except one. The bossman’s favorite, Sharon, smiled on her profile picture in a way that inevitably didn’t feel right. I tried to swat away the high school flashbacks of the blonde girls with that exact same look in their eyes, hungry for suffering. I was only looking at a picture though and I could be wrong, I tell myself. Please be wrong.

It is my first day. I entered the garden and adored the plants in the morning sun. This place was a little escape from the city. I made sure to be more than on time to mostly make a good impression but also to take it all in. I entered through the big glass door and I was instantly welcomed by Sharon. She was the one in charge, that was clear from the start. She had her light blonde hair in a messy ponytail and looked overall different from her outdated well put together LinkedIn picture. The instinctual ick was definitely still there. She took it upon herself to show me where everything was and bombarded me with information about the company. Every now and then one of the other girls would come over to give me a formal hand shake and tell me their name. They couldn’t get in more than that, they were quickly cut off and the tour continued. Later, I would see her do this with every new person, cornering them: they were her new toy.

From the little interactions I had so far, it was clear that the girls were very kind, I could already imagine this could feel like home. The office was one big room full of desks with a ping pong table in the middle, functioning as a meeting table. Posters and random life-sized collectibles were scattered around the walls. Every desk had its own personality, the girls sitting together gave me an impression of togetherness. It was almost cozy, and I was going to be a part of it. 

Apparently there were only 2 days to train me. Sharon was going on vacation for 2 weeks and I had to learn as much as I could to take over. The photoshoot that happens twice a year was scheduled the week that she returned. Until then, I were to receive the items that would be used, file them and maintain all her clients. 

I, needless to say, had no idea what was going on. I thought it was very odd to have so little time to prepare me for that responsibility. It didn’t give an organised impression, I must’ve been unlucky, bad timing. An exception I hoped? 
I made it work. It was a calm period client wise, but I’m getting ahead of myself. The training. 

Sharon showed me my desk. It was the one on the very end of the row of tables, right next to the door. She would be sitting next to me, so she could keep an eye on me and my work. We dived right in. Loads of information was being dumped on me and I was trying to keep up. Whenever she would show me something, I tried to copy what she did as well as I could and as fast as I could. I felt tense around her right from the start. I saw that she made an effort to be nice to me but we were both corporately acting. I knew it was important to impress her. 

If I did something too fast and made a mistake, she would say ‘Hey it’s not going anywhere, take your time’ But not in a reassuring way. ‘Your generation always wants to do everything so fast but that’s when you make mistakes.’ She looks at me and reminds herself to smile again. 

The next day she became more comfortable with me. She started asking me where I was from, what I’ve studied, which level of high school I’ve done. ‘Oof your town is so trashy! But you are well educated, I like that, that’s very good’ she said in response. ‘That will make it a lot easier for us to connect. I mean, I have nothing against people who are less educated, but you know what I mean. It is different.’ 

Being at the other end of the office, I felt excluded from the others. Sharon and I are one of the only ones speaking our language. Even though we were all in the same room, I was far away from the cordial first impression I had at first, Sharon barricading us. She was getting very personal and some (most) of her statements were problematic and elitist. And that was only the second day. No one could hear what she was saying to me.

If I asked a question that may have been obvious, she would ask me what I think, and look at me with the most terrifying smile. Her moods were switching so quickly that it was giving me whiplash. Then, whilst still smiling, she would poke my head firmly with her finger and ask me if I have anything in there. Before I could react in any way she would change the topic and her attitude as if nothing happened. She did this multiple times these first days.

I didn’t want to ask any more questions because I was scared she would do it again. The pressure of the lack of training was building up and I just wanted to absorb as much as I could before I would be alone. She acted like she was a saint for helping me, took every chance she got to bully me while simultaneously acting like she was on my side. I felt her observing me constantly (not in a work way) and was on edge every second near her. At the start I thought I would’ve been scared to have the responsibility of these two weeks alone, but soon the fear turned into a huge relief.

Before she went on her vacation she went to every girl in the office and gave them a weirdly intimate hug. She even kissed some of them. At the time before knowing anything about the situation it already looked rather forced. I’ve never seen her do it again after that. 

When I got home after these days I felt conflicted and embarrassed. I loved the office, the other girls, the job itself even. But this woman.. It wasn’t like me at all to take her shit like that. Normally I stand up for myself and I have no issue with saying something. Even this early on I was noticing dynamics that made me feel helpless. Sharon was the closest of all of them with boss man Heinz. And he couldn’t care less if it weren’t directly related to making or losing money. She basically owned the place and it was clear she could make or break my job, depending on my resistance. I didn’t want to lose this opportunity and told myself it could be worse. Little did I know this was only the beginning.